An Unholy Mess of a Girl

F, 27. A repository of all that inspires me, as well as a personal diary for me to vent and rant about my diagnosed mental illness. I am an open book when it comes to my disorder, my sexuality, and my thoughts so don't add me if you are a prude or don't like sex or don't want to read about mental illness. I struggle getting through life, but am always striving to get better.

I do post very much of things I like, such as and in no particular order: books, collecting books, sex, erotica, art, design, Surrealism, Dadaism, intelligence, anti-religion, post-punk, shoe-gaze/dream pop, music in general, the brain, psychology, philosophy, creating things, slipstream, the strange and unusual, literature, style, fashion, minimalism, etc.


I have some new photos up at Blissed Out Life! Please kindly follow me at these places if you’d like to see more photos and blog posts. I am going to do a giveaway soon of a reallllllly cool huuuuuuge paper/craft/diy magazine by Flow filled with stickers, a garland, pop-outs, labels, stickers, envelopes, fortune tellers, wall art prints, craft paper, note sheets, gift wrap and more! It’s seriously the coolest thing ever.

DBT saved my life so it makes me happy to see you post about using a skills book. I hope everything gets better for you.

A question by pitiful-creature

Thank you so much for the support. It means a lot. 

I decided to finally start on the DBT workbook I bought awhile back. I have not been feeling well these past couple of weeks and I feel like I’m slipping again. My bad habits and thoughts have come back and that makes me hate myself even more.

I am gaining a lot of weight from the Seroquel and that makes me miserable too, thinking of the long run and how much weight I will gain if I don’t get off it but I’m scared of trying other medications. I feel like they all are going to have that same side effect and I’m beginning to think I don’t want to take the medication at all.

When I last saw the doctor she increased my dose but that didn’t make me feel well so I stopped taking those and started taking the previous dose because I still had a whole bottle of that. Then I ran out. I haven’t felt motivated enough to go back in and request something else so I’ve just been taking the higher dose but cutting it in half and only taking half a night.

Also, I have not been taking the thyroid medicine for two or three weeks now because I ran out and haven’t gone to get the refill. All the symptoms of that came back: the fast heartbeat, very hot body temperature, racing thoughts, anxiety and mood changes.

I know these things are affecting me a lot and have recently interfered with relationships and friendships yet again. And I am feeling so TIRED. I just want to have NORMAL thoughts and NORMAL friendships and relationships without my mind trying to sabotage those things.

Please send me good vibes. I want desperately to get better but my motivation is slipping and it’s so hard getting out of this hole of uneasiness, self sabotage and self hatred. I want to love myself and be able to love others, to care for myself and care for others.

design: Yutaka satoh